(because I didn't want the post above to be that long)

I'm afraid of being called an attention seeker if I let too many people know. Technically I am not announcing anything and you are free. To choose to ignore me, or not.

I don't have a friend I can tell everything to without my fear of them being irritated and leaving. Therefore I write everything here, where people can chose to read or not.

I wish everybody read this, the only way to understand me. But I won't tell, I won't ask them to. I will not force them to.

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So I woke up at 4:34 am this morning and all these... feelings just came to me. All the problems I've had ever since I stepped into JC. I cried.. tears from emotions I've never really felt before.

They weren't tears that can be explained by a situation, that feeling of being alone, standing up for myself all these while, having nobody to ask. I went through my darkest period, with a few around me, but I was more or less alone, emotionally.

I don't blame the people around me, I don't blame myself for being like that. That's just the way things are but it gets me frustrated.

Don't get me wrong, I know some have shown me concern and I appreciate their efforts from the bottom of my heart. I must say, there's very little. I'm not the easiest person to be with. It's just me, all along. I hope too much for people to chase after me so I sit there, waiting. I hate being the one to initiate.

The pain of being alone is more than anybody can imagine. You may see me with people, but I've lost my ability to interact with people the way I used to. I'm not my natural cheerful self anymore. On top of all that, I've become unable to speak when I'm in groups.

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And I have to acccept the fact that the world only likes happy people so I'll have to live with this until I'm fine again.

I will be fine in a while, until I fall again. I won't be pretending.